Mother's Day

I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, I started thinking about all the things I was looking forward to from starting maternity leave, baby showers, meeting my baby for the first time, first family Christmas, and finally getting to be a mum on Mother's Day. As each year passed that I wasn't pregnant I found the yearly mother's day family gathering somewhat torturous and a reminder that I was still not a mum. So when I fell pregnant in July 2009 I was somewhat looking forward to the following year and having a newborn baby on Mother's Day. Our first son Adam was born on 1st November 2009, too soon to survive.

The idea of Mother's Day didn't register until someone asked what were we going to do this year for the mother in law. To be honest, I had never been a fan of the consumerist aspects of Mother's Day, and really didn't care too much about being the centre of attention for the day and being celebrated, and this time I couldn't think of anything worse then being around others celebrating the other Mum's in the family. I didn't feel as though others understood just how hard it was that year for me to try and do Mother's Day for others, when I was heartbroken at the loss of my son.

Although I considered myself as a Mum even though my baby was in heaven, I knew that to the wider world I wasn't seen or recognised as a mum. I have since spoken with many others who have felt similar whether it was because there babies were born so early to not be acknowledged, or because they never got to take a breath and be a part of this world.  I didn't need flowers or chocolates on this Mother's Day, all I so dearly wanted was to be acknowledged as Mum.

I found that it wasn't just Mother's Day that I felt like this, there were many occasions where I felt sad not just for the loss of my son, but the loss of being acknowledged as parents. Father's Day was also difficult, I don't think it mattered as much to my husband, but I was disappointed that he wouldn't be acknowledged as a Father alongside others in our family. Each milestone or event as time went on didn't seem to cut as deep, but it was still a reminder of what we didn't have. When I was fortunate to have my precious second son Will with us the following year at the young age of 6 weeks old it was slightly bitter sweet as I received many well wishes from people acknowledging this as my '1st' Mother's Day. I remember saying to myself it was my first with Will, but last year I was a mum too, just my baby wasn't here for others to see.

So this Mother's Day, I would like to take the time to acknowledge you. Whether you are a mother, a father, a grandparent, a uncle, a aunty or even a sibling to a baby who has died, I want to let you know that you are special and thought of this Mother's Day. To all the mum's out there, no matter if you have babies here on earth or in heaven, I hope you have a peaceful and special day and are recognised in what ever way you feel you need to be. Be gentle on yourself, and take the time out you might need to connect to your loved ones, and know that to a special little person you were the most important and loving Mum they could have ever had. I wish you and your family a Mother's Day full of love and special memories this year.

Robyn McKinnon - TLC Bereavement Counsellor.