"Little Feet"

Loss changes so many things in a person's life.  There are times of loneliness and feeling helpless.  There are moments of not understanding why this had to happen. There is often a feeling of regret and overwhelming sadness.  And, almost always there is a feeling of wishing that the loss had never happened.   

As I approach the 2^nd anniversary of the death of my son ~Adam~ I feel these emotions rising up again and wondering what would life be like now if Adam was still here. Last year for Adam’s 1^st anniversary I was pregnant, and at the same gestation in my pregnancy that I was when he died, so I found myself torn between grief and fear. This year feels equally hard as I look at my beautiful 7 month old son Will and watch every move he makes and wonder would Adam have been like this if he was here today. Would he have had the same personality?  Would he have looked the same? Would he have the same cheeky smile?

Most people I know say that Will looks just like me, and I wonder would Adam have looked like me or his dad. There are just so many things that I wonder about and leading up to this day seems to make the wondering and the wishing that it didn’t happen all so raw again.

I began thinking back to that day on the 1^st November when Adam entered this world, too soon to be able to take a breath, and I began to recall my mother-in-law telling me that Adam had similar feet to my husband. It was amazing how at only 17 weeks gestation I could see how perfect a baby he was. He had fingernails, toenails, eyebrows and these distinct arched soles of his feet. I have painfully flat feet so I remembered feeling a sense of love to the fact he had feet just like his dad’s.

A few weeks after Will was born, my friend organised for his feet to be casted in bronze, and after a bit of a wait they arrived only the other day. It was then that it dawned on me that Will has flat feet just like me. I remember the moment it hit me that Will and Adam had different feet, and it helped me to see that Will was his own little person and so was Adam, and the wishing and wondering seemed to not be so strong anymore. There was a sense of release to make this connection. It helped me to stop wondering so much if they would be alike, because I was now able to know they were different and special in their own right, and although they might have been similar I can now safely know in my heart they were different.

Each year we go back to our special beach where we released Adam in to the water. This year we are going to be taking our son Will and introducing him to his big ‘little’ brother. The closer we get to November 1^st the more tears there seem to be, and the more fragile I feel I become, but I also know that no matter how hard that day is, I am so thankful for the short life and the many gifts that came from knowing Adam as my son.  

For those of you coming up to anniversary dates, I hope you can find the space and peace that you need to remember your angel babies, and that you too can find something special to hold on to that helps you through this difficult milestones.