So this is Christmas.....

For many people the idea of Christmas sparks joy and excitement as they prepare for family gatherings, catching up with old friends, and celebrating the meaning of Christmas. However, not everyone feels this excitement, but may instead feel other emotions as yet another reminder looms of the loved ones that are not with them. No matter how long ago your baby, child, friend or family member has died, times like Christmas can be an emotionally exhausting time and so it can be useful to prepare some things in advance to help you through this season. 

The first Christmas after our son died seemed to be particularly difficult. It had only been a matter of 8 weeks since his death and the idea of being around a whole lot of happy and excited people seemed too much. There was also a new small child in the family, who lived interstate and we saw once or twice a year so there was lots of interest in spending time with this little one. Watching how everyone responded to this little girl was a real heartache. Although I would have been still pregnant at that point, I was grieving the loss of what Christmas might have been like for Adam if he was here. Having doting Grandparents and Aunties and Uncles playing with him, spoiling him, his first Christmas. Instead I just wanted to hide away from it all. The idea of feeling any happiness on this day ever was so remote. 

A week before Christmas we purchased a small personalised Christmas bauble for the family tree with his name on it as all the others had something on the tree that represented them as well, and in each of the cards we wrote from us including Adam. I guess it was my way of keeping Adam apart of the family and not forgotten. Our family were pretty good too at acknowledging Adam through a small gift which was rather special, but confronting at the same time. I remember leaving that day feeling totally exhausted and shattered, and wondering how I could ever do Christmas again. To be honest, Christmas had never been a good time of the year for me anyway, with plenty of other reminders of things from my part which made me sad, but I had actually been looking forward to it for once knowing we would have a baby soon. 

Last year, it felt a little a bit better. There was still a range of emotions and challenges, but to help in acknowledging Adam we purchased everyone a small gift through an organisation called TEAR who works in developing countries. We purchased a card that donated $60 to train up a local community member in places such as India, Africa, and Bangladesh to be a birth attendant to guide women through pregnancy, birth and early infancy. This small donation for many women was the difference between life and death for their babies, and sometimes themselves. We gave each family one of these cards in remembrance of Adam. This helped me get through the roller-coaster ride of emotions at Christmas as I was able to find some meaning and purpose through the commemoration of Adam.

Among many things, I still however found it hard when others didn't acknowledge Adam. I was reminded by someone recently, that things such as Christmas cards can be a powerful statement, just by writing our babies name in the greeting, and it can be so difficult when this isn't done if that is what we were expecting. Our culture isn't particularly good at grieving, and many find it awkward to know what to say or do in fear it may in fact upset us more. So how do we get through the Christmas season this year unscathed without too much stress? I am sure you can add plenty more to this list, but hear are just some simple thoughts. 

- Allow yourself to be sad. It is normal for you to be feeling sad at not having your baby with you and wondering what would life be like it he/she hadn't have died. You might find it helpful to take some time out to remember your baby or loved one. Some people find going to a special place on Christmas morning, writing a letter, or buying a gift in honour of their baby for the wishing tree's to just help make the day a little easier. 

- It is ok to enjoy yourself. It can be hard to celebrate when you are missing someone you love. It is not uncommon to have a whole lot of different feelings such as sadness, guilt, or excitement. Getting together with family and close friends may be a chance to remember the good times and it's ok to relax and have a laugh. Having fun is not necessarily a sign that you miss that person any less. 

- Look after yourself. Remembering that this may be a tough time for you is important. This may mean that you have to treat yourself with a bit of care. Avoid making major decisions until after Christmas is over. If possible, treat yourself to something you enjoy doing, or going out with your partner for some special time during this period. 

- Avoid bottling stuff up. It can be tempting to put on the brave face and go to gatherings and pretend to be what you think people expect you to be. Keeping things to yourself may mean that the tension builds up inside you and you find yourself feeling more stressed and upset as a result. Finding a way to get out what you are feeling may help you to feel better. You may like to talk to someone, write your thoughts down, draw, have a cry or punch some pillows. Whatever works for you, find a strategy that you can call on so you can release some of the tension and grief. 

- Talk to someone. You might think that you'll burden others by mentioning your loss over the Christmas season. One of our biggest problems in grieving, as a culture, is that we're too frightened to raise the subject of bereavement. And this goes as much for our own loss as it does someone else's. In actual fact, by far the majority of people would be touched that you'd confide sad feelings to them, or ask after them if they've been bereaved themselves. You can raise the way you feel by acknowledging that you don't want to 'change the atmosphere' or 'bring the mood down' but that you want to confide your feelings. Most will be receptive and happy for you to discuss your emotions. Finding a way that you can bring up your feelings in a constructive way, and talking about how you are doing, will in turn help you move forward and help those around you understand a little bit of what it is like for you. If you don’t feel you can share this with your family or friends, that you might like to contact TLC for a little extra support this Christmas. You are welcome to call 1800 824 240 or email support@teddyloveclub.org.au

As you prepare for this year’s Christmas, my hope is that you will find comfort from those around. As you honour and remember your angels that you might not feel so alone knowing there are others out there who are willing to support and listen to you. I wish you and your family many blessings throughout this time.

Robyn McKinnon – TLC Bereavement Counsellor

In loving memory of ~Adam~ 

"Little Feet"

Loss changes so many things in a person's life.  There are times of loneliness and feeling helpless.  There are moments of not understanding why this had to happen. There is often a feeling of regret and overwhelming sadness.  And, almost always there is a feeling of wishing that the loss had never happened.   

As I approach the 2^nd anniversary of the death of my son ~Adam~ I feel these emotions rising up again and wondering what would life be like now if Adam was still here. Last year for Adam’s 1^st anniversary I was pregnant, and at the same gestation in my pregnancy that I was when he died, so I found myself torn between grief and fear. This year feels equally hard as I look at my beautiful 7 month old son Will and watch every move he makes and wonder would Adam have been like this if he was here today. Would he have had the same personality?  Would he have looked the same? Would he have the same cheeky smile?

Most people I know say that Will looks just like me, and I wonder would Adam have looked like me or his dad. There are just so many things that I wonder about and leading up to this day seems to make the wondering and the wishing that it didn’t happen all so raw again.

I began thinking back to that day on the 1^st November when Adam entered this world, too soon to be able to take a breath, and I began to recall my mother-in-law telling me that Adam had similar feet to my husband. It was amazing how at only 17 weeks gestation I could see how perfect a baby he was. He had fingernails, toenails, eyebrows and these distinct arched soles of his feet. I have painfully flat feet so I remembered feeling a sense of love to the fact he had feet just like his dad’s.

A few weeks after Will was born, my friend organised for his feet to be casted in bronze, and after a bit of a wait they arrived only the other day. It was then that it dawned on me that Will has flat feet just like me. I remember the moment it hit me that Will and Adam had different feet, and it helped me to see that Will was his own little person and so was Adam, and the wishing and wondering seemed to not be so strong anymore. There was a sense of release to make this connection. It helped me to stop wondering so much if they would be alike, because I was now able to know they were different and special in their own right, and although they might have been similar I can now safely know in my heart they were different.

Each year we go back to our special beach where we released Adam in to the water. This year we are going to be taking our son Will and introducing him to his big ‘little’ brother. The closer we get to November 1^st the more tears there seem to be, and the more fragile I feel I become, but I also know that no matter how hard that day is, I am so thankful for the short life and the many gifts that came from knowing Adam as my son.  

For those of you coming up to anniversary dates, I hope you can find the space and peace that you need to remember your angel babies, and that you too can find something special to hold on to that helps you through this difficult milestones.