To be or not to be pregnant again…. that is the question.

After the death of a baby or babies there comes the question if and when do we try again? For some, the experience of their baby’s death opens a range of questions to be considered before moving forward and deciding what to do, and for others there is a stronger sense than ever of the desire to have a child. No matter where you are at, the decision to have another baby after a  loss is a truly personal one based on a range of factors. 

Often many people ask, how do you know when is the ‘right time’ to have another baby? There is no one set amount of time, and what might be right for one person might be different for another.

There can be a number of physical things to consider in helping you work out when is the time, which may include how far along you were in the pregnancy when you baby died, the type of delivery – whether you required a medical procedure or caesarean birth or a vaginal birth, the reason for your baby’s death if known and your general health. It may be useful to consult with your GP or Obstetrician for some guidance in assessing your physical wellbeing and how this will contribute to future pregnancies.

Sometimes, our body may have healed and we can be physically ready to fall pregnant, but our emotional healing can take a little longer. Some people experience much anxiety and worry about a new pregnancy, and whether it might happen again that they experience a loss. Sometimes these feelings can be all consuming and make it hard to relax and enjoy the process of trying again.

After you have become pregnant again, you may experience a mix of emotions. There can be excitement and hope, coupled with worry and fear. These emotions may come and go throughout part, or all of the pregnancy. Many people find that they are grieving for the loss of their previous baby and with the added dose of hormones that they need extra support from both medical and family to guide their way through the time ahead. Often the next 9 months can feel like a lifetime so the following ideas might be a useful start to help you in hopefully having a successful pregnancy.

Take it one day at a time. Easier said than done, but it really works. When you feel yourself worrying about the future, stop yourself and think only about today. Notice how this pregnancy is different from the pregnancy in which you suffered a loss, and especially how things are going better. Pay attention to what's going well each day and how you and your baby are staying healthy.

Take good care of yourself. Focus on what you can do to make this pregnancy a healthy one. Pay attention to your health and physical wellbeing. Deal sensibly with stress — you have enough coping with the loss you've experienced. Don't pile on responsibilities at home or work, or overcommit yourself to family and friends.

Try some relaxation exercises. Make up your own mantra, such as, "New pregnancy, New rules." Naming the baby, or talking to the baby can help you bond and start to connect to this new life. If you start to find the worry becoming overwhelming try some deep breathing or going for a gentle walk in some fresh air.

Know that you're not alone. Many families find there is no clear answer to what caused the loss of their baby, but it is important to know that it doesn't mean it will happen again. Sadly, for some families they may experience a number of losses before a reason can be found and treatment can be given, however many families do go on to have a healthy pregnancy after their loss. Try to focus on how well you and the baby are doing now and setting yourself short term goals, such as the next ultrasound, or next Dr’s appointment. Breaking it down in this way can help in not feeling so overwhelmed, and feeling like you are reaching successful milestones.

Talk to your doctor or midwife often. Seeing someone regularly for prenatal care can help to reassure you that your baby is doing well. This is particularly important if you're considered high risk. While it sounds scary, being high risk can be beneficial. You may be monitored more closely, which can be a positive thing, especially if you're nervous. Sometimes being monitored so much can also add to the anxiety, so it is important that you know you have some choice and control in the treatment you receive. If you feel uncomfortable, or have questions perhaps make an appointment to talk with your Dr to arrange a plan for your pregnancy care.

Find a support group. Many mothers share that they find it can be hard sharing with others during this next pregnancy because they may not understand the worry and often hear comments like ‘ you must be so happy now’ or ‘there is no need to worry’. This can be frustrating, and add to the stress and worry. TLC has an online pregnancy after loss support group which is for people who are trying to conceive or are pregnant again. You might find comfort reading others stories and how they have coped with their pregnancies, and get ideas on how you too can survive through this time. It can also be a safe place to vent your own anxieties around others who might understand.

Seek professional help if you need it . If you find yourself struggling, and finding the range of emotions overwhelming you can access support from the TLC Counsellor through calling the 1800 Free Call Bereavement Line or emailing support@teddyloveclub.org.au TLC recognises that the grief of losing a baby can come in waves and can take away the innocence of the experience of pregnancy. Our support is available to you through this new pregnancy as well as in to the future.

Mother's Day

I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, I started thinking about all the things I was looking forward to from starting maternity leave, baby showers, meeting my baby for the first time, first family Christmas, and finally getting to be a mum on Mother's Day. As each year passed that I wasn't pregnant I found the yearly mother's day family gathering somewhat torturous and a reminder that I was still not a mum. So when I fell pregnant in July 2009 I was somewhat looking forward to the following year and having a newborn baby on Mother's Day. Our first son Adam was born on 1st November 2009, too soon to survive.

The idea of Mother's Day didn't register until someone asked what were we going to do this year for the mother in law. To be honest, I had never been a fan of the consumerist aspects of Mother's Day, and really didn't care too much about being the centre of attention for the day and being celebrated, and this time I couldn't think of anything worse then being around others celebrating the other Mum's in the family. I didn't feel as though others understood just how hard it was that year for me to try and do Mother's Day for others, when I was heartbroken at the loss of my son.

Although I considered myself as a Mum even though my baby was in heaven, I knew that to the wider world I wasn't seen or recognised as a mum. I have since spoken with many others who have felt similar whether it was because there babies were born so early to not be acknowledged, or because they never got to take a breath and be a part of this world.  I didn't need flowers or chocolates on this Mother's Day, all I so dearly wanted was to be acknowledged as Mum.

I found that it wasn't just Mother's Day that I felt like this, there were many occasions where I felt sad not just for the loss of my son, but the loss of being acknowledged as parents. Father's Day was also difficult, I don't think it mattered as much to my husband, but I was disappointed that he wouldn't be acknowledged as a Father alongside others in our family. Each milestone or event as time went on didn't seem to cut as deep, but it was still a reminder of what we didn't have. When I was fortunate to have my precious second son Will with us the following year at the young age of 6 weeks old it was slightly bitter sweet as I received many well wishes from people acknowledging this as my '1st' Mother's Day. I remember saying to myself it was my first with Will, but last year I was a mum too, just my baby wasn't here for others to see.

So this Mother's Day, I would like to take the time to acknowledge you. Whether you are a mother, a father, a grandparent, a uncle, a aunty or even a sibling to a baby who has died, I want to let you know that you are special and thought of this Mother's Day. To all the mum's out there, no matter if you have babies here on earth or in heaven, I hope you have a peaceful and special day and are recognised in what ever way you feel you need to be. Be gentle on yourself, and take the time out you might need to connect to your loved ones, and know that to a special little person you were the most important and loving Mum they could have ever had. I wish you and your family a Mother's Day full of love and special memories this year.

Robyn McKinnon - TLC Bereavement Counsellor.

Keeping our angel babies apart of us now.

When all the dust has settled, which can take some time after our precious babies have died, we are often faced with the awkwardness of many of life's events and family gatherings. We may find ourselves needing or wanting to have our babies acknowledged, even in a small way to help us know they are not forgotten, but not everyone will feel this need as strong.

I am privileged in my role as the TLC Bereavement Counsellor to often hear special stories of how families do many special little things at Christmas, Birthday, Funerals, and other family gatherings which can mean so much just to know that their baby is not forgotten. Also many parents find special ways to include their babies in to day to day life. But sometimes I also hear the other side of things, when people are hurt and saddened by people not acknowledging their babies. So in honour of this, I wanted to share a few ways that I have heard others keep their babies apart of these celebrations and day to day life to encourage you to share with your loved ones ways that they can include you and your babies to help you through these occasion.

Firstly I would like to share with you about "Junior". A lovely family experienced the miscarriage of their baby who they named "Junior" almost 2 years ago.They recently went on to give birth to their son Lachlan who is now 4 months old. Like most little babies, there are many special toys and bears that circulate around the toy box and cot, but none as special as "Junior" bear. The family were given a TLC Ruby bear recently and have named it "Junior" and likes to think their son Lachlan has a special guardian angel looking over them. The "Junior" bear takes pride of place in Lachlan's cot, and their Mum recently told me how special it was to see Lachlan giving his "Junior" bear a big hug as if it might be a sign from her angel.

Another special lady shared with me how at each Christmas their family have a tradition of saying a special Grace before the main meal, and acknowledge all of the family members who are no longer with them. The first Christmas after their baby died, they were quite surprised and incredibly honored that when the names of all the Grandparents and others were named, that their precious baby was recognised as well. Christmas was still a difficult time, but this gesture was very powerful.

This last week was my living son's 1st birthday. Our first son Adam, if he had survived would have been turning 2 pretty much within a matter of days after, so it was yet another bitter-sweet moment. There was so much excitement on our young Will, and yet I was a little sad that Adam was not able to be a part of it. I tossed and turned for many weeks trying to come up with a way to have him included somehow, from maybe a small footprint on the invite, or even having a gift from Adam to Will, but nothing I came up with felt right enough to do. I also wasn't sure how others might react to it either and felt a little shy in bringing him up on what was a special celebration. Eventually I decided to make a rainbow cake. Many parents consider the next child born after a death as a rainbow baby as a rainbow is only possible after a storm, so it connects to the idea of our babies being born after a loss. So after doing a trial run the week earlier which was the most emotional cake I have made, I then did the real thing, and it was just perfect. I don't think any one of my family or close friends made the connection, and each time I almost said the meaning behind it I felt the tears welling up, so I decided to keep it to myself, knowing my Adam was apart of our special day.

So my encouragement for you this month is in what ever way you want or need to have your children acknowledged and be apart of your life now, consider sharing this with those around you. Sometimes our families just don't know how important it is to have this recognition and so sadly say nothing which may make us feel even more alone. If you have a special way that you and your family keep your special angel babies apart of your family life now, please consider sharing it with us by emailing it to newspaper@teddyloveclub.org.au so we can share your ideas with others.

May you have a special and peaceful month ahead. Robyn McKinnon - TLC Bereavement Counsellor.

Returning to work

After your baby has died, the funeral or ceremony has been done, and the influx of family relatives go home, there comes the time when families are faced with the challenge of returning to the ‘normal’ routines of everyday life. For many, it may be a financial necessity to return to work while for others it may be a way of keeping occupied and creating a break from what has been an all-consuming grief. Going to work may be the only part of life that seems normal and routine.

For many, returning to work can be difficult. Some people find that when they return to work they are still in a state of shock and sadness, and they may experience problems with concentration, memory, fatigue and loss of confidence. Sometimes returning to work also means being faced with others who are pregnant or with young children which can be an added reminder of what might have been if things were different. These reactions vary in intensity and not everyone will experience each of them.

Before returning to work, you might like to try some of the following:

· Let your workplace know a little bit about what has happened. Give them as much information as you are comfortable sharing. If you find yourself worried about getting upset in front of your boss, perhaps writing an email first with the details. If people ask too many questions, let them know you are not comfortable going into it right now. Perhaps allow one key person to have enough information to share with your colleagues on your behalf so you don’t feel like you are telling your story multiple times over.

· You might like to arrange to go into the office to meet your co-workers before officially going back to work, getting past the awkward first encounters and all the sympathy messages. It can make it easier to go back to work at a later date. You might also find going back to the office after hours or on the weekend to get yourself organised and prepared helps to not feel so overwhelmed on the first day.

· Consider returning for half-days for a week or so, easing your way back into the normal routine. Perhaps negotiate for the first few days to be on light duties, or time to catch up on emails or paperwork rather than dealing with clients.

· Encourage your co-workers to learn more about grief so they can better understand what you are going through. Let them know what is helpful to you when you are having a particularly hard day: allowing you to have some alone time, making you a cup of coffee, or going for a short walk. The more they know what they can do for you, the more comfortable they will be with your grief and the more comfortable you will be in their presence.

· Keep good communication going. Set up regular meetings with your supervisor, colleagues or employees to talk about what is happening.

· You may need help with certain projects or deadlines. Identify those who you feel able to speak with and ask them for assistance when you need it. Don’t feel you have to manage everything on your own.

· Finally, and probably most importantly, be gentle on yourself. Grief can come in waves and is unpredictable; and each person will grieve at their own pace. There may be a number of appointments or milestones to go through still even after returning to work, and it may take some time before you feel ok about being around other people or getting back in to ‘normal’ life. Even the idea of getting back in to life can be confronting as many worry they may be forgetting, or seen to have moved on from their loss where in fact the heartache of the loss of a baby can continue for some time. Plan to have things to do after work or on the weekend to help you relax and recover from returning to work.

Don’t forget that support from TLC is available to you at all stages of your grief journey. You can contact us on 1800 824 240 or support@teddyloveclub.org.au We hope your transition back to work is as peaceful as possible.

Robyn McKinnon – TLC Bereavement Counsellor

Happy New Year!

For many of us, this saying brings another level of grief, and a slap in the face for the reality we may be facing in our lives. Some of us would have been gearing up to introduce a new addition to the family in the coming months, others come to special anniversaries, and some continue to battle the difficulties of trying to fall pregnant after a loss. Whatever it might be, If you have been struggling with those around you who are celebrating the New Year, and the new possibilities with excitement, know that you are not alone.

So then, how do you get through this and find the hope and life back that can seem so distant and hidden. There is no one simple answer, but if I have learnt anything in my journey of grief it starts with one small step in front of the other. Sometimes that in itself is all that one can do, and each day one more step, and eventually you will find yourself walking again, and perhaps even with a stride in your step and opening yourself to the beauty that surrounds us. You might find there are days still where you find yourself hitting the wall and struggling with the ups and downs. There may be anniversaries, birth announcements, or milestones that you come to through this year that feel like a mountain to climb. When it feels like you can’t keep on walking, remember there is many here to lean on, to listen to you, and to share this journey so that one day you will find yourself again experiencing life, and embracing these same opportunities.

Our lives will forever be changed because of the impact that our angels have had on us. I continue to be amazed that such a small little baby can leave such a huge footprint on our lives, and continue to strengthen us in character and capacity. I know we don’t often feel strong, and in fact there are days where it feels more like we are drowning than we are swimming, but I have faith that through these experiences we will find hope and peace again. Perhaps a new version of the ones we had before our precious angels.

My hope for us all is that 2012 will bring much joy and healing as we continue on this journey together. Please remember that TLC support is available to you in a number of ways including telephone and email counselling. Our support is here for you no matter how long it has been since your baby has died, or if you are trying to conceive, are pregnant after a loss, or now navigating the journey of parenting a child after a loss. TLC’s support continues to be here for you at whatever stage you are at. You can contact us on 1800 824 240 or support@teddyloveclub.org.au.

Robyn McKinnon – TLC Bereavement Counsellor. In loving memory of ~Adam~ 

So this is Christmas.....

For many people the idea of Christmas sparks joy and excitement as they prepare for family gatherings, catching up with old friends, and celebrating the meaning of Christmas. However, not everyone feels this excitement, but may instead feel other emotions as yet another reminder looms of the loved ones that are not with them. No matter how long ago your baby, child, friend or family member has died, times like Christmas can be an emotionally exhausting time and so it can be useful to prepare some things in advance to help you through this season. 

The first Christmas after our son died seemed to be particularly difficult. It had only been a matter of 8 weeks since his death and the idea of being around a whole lot of happy and excited people seemed too much. There was also a new small child in the family, who lived interstate and we saw once or twice a year so there was lots of interest in spending time with this little one. Watching how everyone responded to this little girl was a real heartache. Although I would have been still pregnant at that point, I was grieving the loss of what Christmas might have been like for Adam if he was here. Having doting Grandparents and Aunties and Uncles playing with him, spoiling him, his first Christmas. Instead I just wanted to hide away from it all. The idea of feeling any happiness on this day ever was so remote. 

A week before Christmas we purchased a small personalised Christmas bauble for the family tree with his name on it as all the others had something on the tree that represented them as well, and in each of the cards we wrote from us including Adam. I guess it was my way of keeping Adam apart of the family and not forgotten. Our family were pretty good too at acknowledging Adam through a small gift which was rather special, but confronting at the same time. I remember leaving that day feeling totally exhausted and shattered, and wondering how I could ever do Christmas again. To be honest, Christmas had never been a good time of the year for me anyway, with plenty of other reminders of things from my part which made me sad, but I had actually been looking forward to it for once knowing we would have a baby soon. 

Last year, it felt a little a bit better. There was still a range of emotions and challenges, but to help in acknowledging Adam we purchased everyone a small gift through an organisation called TEAR who works in developing countries. We purchased a card that donated $60 to train up a local community member in places such as India, Africa, and Bangladesh to be a birth attendant to guide women through pregnancy, birth and early infancy. This small donation for many women was the difference between life and death for their babies, and sometimes themselves. We gave each family one of these cards in remembrance of Adam. This helped me get through the roller-coaster ride of emotions at Christmas as I was able to find some meaning and purpose through the commemoration of Adam.

Among many things, I still however found it hard when others didn't acknowledge Adam. I was reminded by someone recently, that things such as Christmas cards can be a powerful statement, just by writing our babies name in the greeting, and it can be so difficult when this isn't done if that is what we were expecting. Our culture isn't particularly good at grieving, and many find it awkward to know what to say or do in fear it may in fact upset us more. So how do we get through the Christmas season this year unscathed without too much stress? I am sure you can add plenty more to this list, but hear are just some simple thoughts. 

- Allow yourself to be sad. It is normal for you to be feeling sad at not having your baby with you and wondering what would life be like it he/she hadn't have died. You might find it helpful to take some time out to remember your baby or loved one. Some people find going to a special place on Christmas morning, writing a letter, or buying a gift in honour of their baby for the wishing tree's to just help make the day a little easier. 

- It is ok to enjoy yourself. It can be hard to celebrate when you are missing someone you love. It is not uncommon to have a whole lot of different feelings such as sadness, guilt, or excitement. Getting together with family and close friends may be a chance to remember the good times and it's ok to relax and have a laugh. Having fun is not necessarily a sign that you miss that person any less. 

- Look after yourself. Remembering that this may be a tough time for you is important. This may mean that you have to treat yourself with a bit of care. Avoid making major decisions until after Christmas is over. If possible, treat yourself to something you enjoy doing, or going out with your partner for some special time during this period. 

- Avoid bottling stuff up. It can be tempting to put on the brave face and go to gatherings and pretend to be what you think people expect you to be. Keeping things to yourself may mean that the tension builds up inside you and you find yourself feeling more stressed and upset as a result. Finding a way to get out what you are feeling may help you to feel better. You may like to talk to someone, write your thoughts down, draw, have a cry or punch some pillows. Whatever works for you, find a strategy that you can call on so you can release some of the tension and grief. 

- Talk to someone. You might think that you'll burden others by mentioning your loss over the Christmas season. One of our biggest problems in grieving, as a culture, is that we're too frightened to raise the subject of bereavement. And this goes as much for our own loss as it does someone else's. In actual fact, by far the majority of people would be touched that you'd confide sad feelings to them, or ask after them if they've been bereaved themselves. You can raise the way you feel by acknowledging that you don't want to 'change the atmosphere' or 'bring the mood down' but that you want to confide your feelings. Most will be receptive and happy for you to discuss your emotions. Finding a way that you can bring up your feelings in a constructive way, and talking about how you are doing, will in turn help you move forward and help those around you understand a little bit of what it is like for you. If you don’t feel you can share this with your family or friends, that you might like to contact TLC for a little extra support this Christmas. You are welcome to call 1800 824 240 or email support@teddyloveclub.org.au

As you prepare for this year’s Christmas, my hope is that you will find comfort from those around. As you honour and remember your angels that you might not feel so alone knowing there are others out there who are willing to support and listen to you. I wish you and your family many blessings throughout this time.

Robyn McKinnon – TLC Bereavement Counsellor

In loving memory of ~Adam~ 

"Little Feet"

Loss changes so many things in a person's life.  There are times of loneliness and feeling helpless.  There are moments of not understanding why this had to happen. There is often a feeling of regret and overwhelming sadness.  And, almost always there is a feeling of wishing that the loss had never happened.   

As I approach the 2^nd anniversary of the death of my son ~Adam~ I feel these emotions rising up again and wondering what would life be like now if Adam was still here. Last year for Adam’s 1^st anniversary I was pregnant, and at the same gestation in my pregnancy that I was when he died, so I found myself torn between grief and fear. This year feels equally hard as I look at my beautiful 7 month old son Will and watch every move he makes and wonder would Adam have been like this if he was here today. Would he have had the same personality?  Would he have looked the same? Would he have the same cheeky smile?

Most people I know say that Will looks just like me, and I wonder would Adam have looked like me or his dad. There are just so many things that I wonder about and leading up to this day seems to make the wondering and the wishing that it didn’t happen all so raw again.

I began thinking back to that day on the 1^st November when Adam entered this world, too soon to be able to take a breath, and I began to recall my mother-in-law telling me that Adam had similar feet to my husband. It was amazing how at only 17 weeks gestation I could see how perfect a baby he was. He had fingernails, toenails, eyebrows and these distinct arched soles of his feet. I have painfully flat feet so I remembered feeling a sense of love to the fact he had feet just like his dad’s.

A few weeks after Will was born, my friend organised for his feet to be casted in bronze, and after a bit of a wait they arrived only the other day. It was then that it dawned on me that Will has flat feet just like me. I remember the moment it hit me that Will and Adam had different feet, and it helped me to see that Will was his own little person and so was Adam, and the wishing and wondering seemed to not be so strong anymore. There was a sense of release to make this connection. It helped me to stop wondering so much if they would be alike, because I was now able to know they were different and special in their own right, and although they might have been similar I can now safely know in my heart they were different.

Each year we go back to our special beach where we released Adam in to the water. This year we are going to be taking our son Will and introducing him to his big ‘little’ brother. The closer we get to November 1^st the more tears there seem to be, and the more fragile I feel I become, but I also know that no matter how hard that day is, I am so thankful for the short life and the many gifts that came from knowing Adam as my son.  

For those of you coming up to anniversary dates, I hope you can find the space and peace that you need to remember your angel babies, and that you too can find something special to hold on to that helps you through this difficult milestones.